Slutty! (But in a Good Way)

I cannot convey to you how thrilled my mother has been over the fact that my younger sister was a cover model for D Sport magazine, which features drag racing cars and slutty Asian chicks and keeps horny teen boys, frat guys, and ITT students satisfied every month.

Well, the Maternal Pride Goddess was not yet finished bestowing good fortune upon my mother, so my sister, who apparently models under a fake moniker, has just been named one of the Top Ten Reader's Choice Cover Models in D Sport's 5th anniversary issue. (The term "reader" is, I presume, defined rather loosely.)

In her profile, she claims to be a Newport Beach native, which is a complete fabrication. I suppose she's trying to blot out the fact that she grew up in the seedier parts of Indianapolis, Indiana, and Monrovia, California, sort of like the opposite of how Vanilla Ice kept saying he was from the streets but was really raised in a cushy Dallas, Texas, suburb.

My mother tells me that this month's magazine also comes with a slutty Asian chicks DVD, which I have not yet seen and am terrified at the prospect of viewing.

Lest you think my repeated use of the phrase "slutty Asian chicks" is cruel, just know that my mom's nickname for my sister is (say it with an accent) "Miss Sah-lutt." And that's coming from woman who glows with pride every time one of her coworkers tries to snatch D Sport away from her so that they can go on a "bathroom break."